Tear Stained Razor Blades
by IWillWaitForYou
Summary: 15 year old Megan Charlotte Shepherd has her life together on the outside but there are deep secrets on the inside. As the secrets reveal themselves can this young girl hold on? What will her family think when they learn of what goes on behind closed doors? Rated M for mature subject matter. Warning: Deals with self-harm.
1. The Gorgeous Wedding

Tear Stained Razor Blades

**Summary: **15 year old Megan Charlotte Shepherd has her life together on the outside but there are deep secrets on the inside. As the secrets reveal themselves can this young girl hold on? What will her family think when they learn of what goes on behind closed doors? Rated M for mature subject matter. Warning: Deals with self-harm.

**Chapter 1**

**AN: This story is not going to be a happy story, it might not have a happy ending. I'm warning you if you are a cutter or were, this could be very triggering. This is in no way promoting cutting, because I, as a previous cutter, know that cutting can only lead you down a dangerous quickly downward spiraling journey that ultimately ends with destruction. I do hope you will enjoy this though J I have 6 chapters completed and am posting daily (hopefully) or maybe every other day. I'm going to require myself to finish a chapter before posting one. I hope you will take the time to read and review this J**

_"So it's not going to be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day but I want you to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, you and me, every day." –Ryan Gosling: The Notebook_

Megan POV

"Meg, wake up! Today's the big day!" I heard my mom yell up the stairs of our home in the Hamptons. I sighed and yawned stretching a bit flinching a bit as I felt the cut on my forearm stretch with my skin.

"Coming!" I yelled back scrambling around the room to find the bracelets that I had been lucky to be able to wear for the wedding.

I pulled on the purple cocktail dress and zipped it with ease. I had lost weight since I had last tried it on but luckily not too much to not fit in the dress. I turned in the mirror inspecting my body. I had used self restraint for a few weeks and managed not to slip up until last night. I was so clumsy that it probably wouldn't surprise my family to see me with an injury or two. I hated myself for slipping the day before such a big and important event. Aunt Amy's wedding is a very big event and if I were the cause for any disaster, as microscopic as that disaster might be, I would hate myself.

I looked in the mirror one last time at my waist length wavy brown hair, my ocean blue eyes, and was glad to notice last night's mascara had run down my face through the tears I had sobbed into my pillow. I quickly ran to my bathroom and used makeup remover to get it all off. "Meg! Hurry it up! Your Aunt Nancy has to do your hair and Aunt Kathleen has to do your makeup! We are on a strict time schedule missy!" Mom called up again.

"I'm just umm, looking for my shoes!" I said thinking of the only valid excuse for taking this long.

"They're down here!" Mom called back up.

"Ok, ok I'm coming!" I yelled. I ran down the stairs bumping into my brother, Chris. He is 13 now and if I do say so myself, looks mighty handsome in his tux. "You look nice." I said steadying myself on his arm from the collision.

"Thanks, you look pretty sis." He said causing me to smile.

"You're a great little brother did you know that?" I asked pecking his cheek. "But, I'm going to be slaughtered if I'm not downstairs in like two seconds so I've got to go." I said continuing my run down the halls and finally managed to reach my parents room which I ran in to see my aunts and cousins patiently waiting. "Sorry." I said apologetically as I plopped on the bed.

"Oversleep?" Julia, one of my best friends, Aunt Kate's daughter asked. She, Emmy, and I were all 15 so we had a friendship that was more like sisterhood in the sense we knew everything about each other.

"Something like that." I said as Aunt Nancy began running her fingers through my hair. "Where's Aunt Amy?" I asked looking around. "And mom for that matter?"

"Oh, well Nana and your mom are helping her into her wedding dress and stuff." Emmy answered as if it were obvious. It only makes since that they were the two to help. My mom and Aunt Amy are best friends and sometimes I feel like Aunt Amy considers her more of a sister than her own sisters by blood.

"Fun." I mumbled taking in my best friends looks of confusion at my non enthusiastic attitude.

"Are you ok?" Emmy asked.

"I'm fine, just tired." I mumbled.

"Well we better get you some coffee! Emmy and I already decided to have a dance off on the dance floor so you better be ready!" Julia cheered. She had always been a morning person.

"Sounds like a lovely idea." I admitted.

I smiled as Aunt Nancy played around with my hair. "You've always loved me to play with your hair." She smiled. "Some things never change."

"It's relaxing." I said as if it were obvious.

Aunt Kate sat in front of me on a chair in front of the bed and began applying makeup to my face. I laughed as the brush tickled my cheek. "Meg hold still or you are going to wind up looking like a clown." Aunt Kate joked.

"Sorry." I mumbled as I did my best to hold still.

A few minutes later, all hands were finally off of me and I got to look in the mirror for the first time. My hair was half up and half down with tiny flowers braided into parts of it. My makeup was flawless with a lilac on my eyes as eye shadow and a light pink gloss on my lips.

"We need a pic!" Emmy yelled. "We've got to instagram this."

I laughed as I made my way into the selfie that Emmy was taking. Emmy, Julia, and I took what seemed like a thousand pictures before we slipped on our shoes and walked downstairs to make our appearance before the service.

I saw Chris and the multitudes of other male relatives playing a game of two hand touch football on the beach. I knew if mom saw she would have had a heart attack claiming that if Chris got even a grand of sand on him before the service it would be the death of him. My dad and uncles made their way over to us.

"You ladies look gorgeous." My dad told us kissing my cheek.

"Thanks daddy." I said smiling at him.

"How's Amelia?" Uncle Tommy asked knowing that James was actually a bit nervous as to if she would bring herself to go down the aisle.

"She was good this morning, just butterflies." Emmy told her father.

"Nothing to worry about?" Uncle Mike asked.

"Daddy, she will make it down the aisle. Don't worry." Julia told her dad rolling her eyes.

"Gosh you guys worry too much." I added.

Uncle Matt started to say something but then his attention drifted to the heated conversation between his twin terrors. Gavin and Ashton alone were perfect 11 year old boys but together, could bring down a house. "I'll be back." He said stalking off.

We all laughed as we saw Uncle Matt pull the boys apart and dragged them away by their arms crouching down to their level for a lecture.

"We've got to get inside!" Emmy gasped.

"Yeah we're going to be late and then our mothers would kill us!" Julia added.

"I guess that's my cue." I told my dad kissing his cheek. "See you later."

Julia, Emmy, and I made our way back inside to a pacing Aunt Amy and our moms all trying their best to get her to calm down. I heard the sound of Cannon, my favorite wedding song, begin and noticed that was our cue. We were going in by height so it went Julia, me, Emmy, Aunt Lizzie, Aunt Kathleen, and then Aunt Nancy and finally mom, the maid of honor, the flower girls, and Aunt Amy.

Julia took the arm of one of James's cousins and they walked together down the aisle. I looked across from me to my escort, a tall, muscular, guy that I recognized as James's younger brother. I happily took his arm and began the walk down the lily covered aisle. We walked together, smiling for pictures. At the end of the aisle I took my place by Julia as we awaited the rest of the bridal party. Emmy looked gorgeous coming down the aisle and I could only hope and pray for my sake in the wedding pictures that I too had been as photogenic. My aunts followed next and finally James's two nieces, who were 4 and 6. The younger one, Magnolia, began skipping down the aisle and throwing flowers directly at people causing all of us to hold in some laughter. Her older sister, Lemon, then proceeded to tell her she was doing it wrong and grabbed a handful of Magnolia's flowers to attempt to show her the proper etiquette in throwing flowers. This caused a lot of screaming as the girls' mother separated them and made them stand apart as their father couldn't quite contain his laughter standing by Uncle James.

It was finally time for Aunt Amy to walk in with my father, her only brother, as the one to escort her down the aisle. He had done this for all of my aunts and wasn't about to quit the tradition for his youngest sister. My heart stopped as I took in my aunt's beauty. It was a traditional white gown, mermaid style, that hugged at her hips perfectly and right underneath her hips turned to lace. She had her hair, my hair, in a beautiful bun and her makeup was perfect. She had a slight bashful smile, something rare to see on my Aunt Amy, as she made her way down the aisle with my father.

He "gave her" to James and took his seat by my nana whom was already in tears at the mere sight of her baby looking this stunning.

The wedding was normal, with the regular vows and "I do"s. I was in tears by the end of the service, but hey, what can I say? I'm a sucker for weddings.

We moved on to the reception, the best part of all weddings. We laughed as Aunt Amy and my now UNCLE James shoved cake into each other's mouths. The dancing then began. My family can get down on the dance floor. I was in tears again as Aunt Amy and Uncle James danced together for the first time and still in tears as my dad asked me to dance with him. I quickly realized that Emmy and Julia's fathers were doing the same thing.

We danced to the song Cinderella by Steven Curtis Chapman.

_She spins and she sways  
To whatever song plays  
Without a care in the world  
And I'm sitting here wearing  
The weight of the world on my shoulders_

It's been a long day  
And there's still work to do  
She's pulling at me  
Saying "Dad, I need you

There's a ball at the castle  
And I've been invited  
And I need to practice my dancing  
Oh, please, Daddy, please?"

So I will dance with Cinderella  
While she is here in my arms  
'Cause I know something the prince never knew  
Oh, I will dance with Cinderella  
I don't want to miss even one song  
'Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight  
And she'll be gone...

She says he's a nice guy and I'd be impressed  
She wants to know if I approve of the dress  
She says, "Dad, the prom is just one week away  
And I need to practice my dancing  
Oh, please, Daddy, please?"

So I will dance with Cinderella  
While she is here in my arms  
'Cause I know something the prince never knew  
Oh, I will dance with Cinderella  
I don't want to miss even one song  
'Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight  
And she'll be gone

She will be gone

Well, she came home today with a ring on her hand  
Just glowing and telling us all they had planned  
She says, "Dad, the wedding's still six months away  
But I need to practice my dancing  
Oh, please, Daddy, please?"

So I will dance with Cinderella  
While she is here in my arms  
'Cause I know something the prince never knew  
Oh, I will dance with Cinderella  
I don't want to miss even one song  
'Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight  
And she'll be gone 

The song ended as we heard applause from various people attending the wedding. We finally sat down for the dinner filled with almost every food known to man. Once that was over, the real dancing began.

My cousins and I managed to get into some sort of dance battle with James's nieces and nephews, we all wound up out of breath and laughing hysterically after about the fourth song. The reception began to die down so Emmy, Julia, and I took this opportunity to go stick our feet in the ocean. We made it about knee deep before Julia finally confronted me about my behavior from the morning. "What was up with you this morning?" She asked.

"It was nothing." I lied.

"We know you and we both agree, that wasn't nothing. You might not be the most pleasant person in the mornings but you aren't usually like that." Emmy added.

"I was just thinking." I admitted.

"About what?" Emmy asked.

"Stuff." I said avoiding the conversation.

"Stuff? Come on you can do better than that." She pushed.

"It's nothing ok? Just drop it." I snapped. Occasionally Emmy knew which buttons to push on me and sometimes I couldn't take it.

"Sorry, you obviously don't want to talk about it." She said turning to leave.

"I'm sorry I just…" I started.

"Whatever Meg, it's whatever." She said rolling her eyes.

"I'm sorry." I tried.

"I'm not mad." She said. "Just tired and irritable. I'm going in for the night I will see you both tomorrow."

I waited for her to leave and turned to Julia. "Well I pissed her off enough." I stated.

"She's overreacting, she'll get over it." She promised.

"I know it's just there are just sometimes where her pushiness is not accepted." I said.

"And then there's other times when it is endearing. I know, trust me, I get it." She promised.

"I really was fine this morning, nothing to worry about." I promised.

"Were you thinking of Damon?" She asked.

"Sort of." I admitted but my thoughts weren't exactly about Damon just about the things I had learned from him.

"He's not good for you Meg." She said concerned.

"I know that you think he is some monster or something but if you get to know him he's just a guy that needs some friends. I'm good for him."

"I just don't want to see you get hurt. He has a reputation…"

"For being a man whore, a drugie, and an emo. I know, I've heard it all but I'm not going to judge him on what other people think. He's a good guy."

"I'm just saying to be on the lookout." She said.

"I know and for that I am grateful but don't worry about it. He's changing, I can feel it."

"Or he's changing you." She mumbled barely auditable.

"What was that?" I asked.

"Nothing, never mind, forget it."

"No seriously. What do you mean he's changing me?" I asked.

"You've just been more distant since you became his friend, I think that's why Emmy was pissed that you wouldn't answer her." She said.

"I'll try to not be as bad." I told her.

"You're not bad, it's just you're not the same. I'm not saying it's a bad change but it's something to be aware of."

"I'll be careful, I promise." I said.

"That's all I ask." She said happily.

"You know, maybe you're going to wind up a shrink like your mom." I joked hitting her playfully on the arm.

"Right, just after you become a world renowned double board certified whatever like your mom." She laughed shoving me back.

"Come on, let's go play around with the guitar, not many people are here and we haven't officially sung our new cover for anyone."

"Alright, sounds good." She said.

We took off running barefoot through the sand, racing to the stage where the band had long abandoned the guitar. I looked around and only seeing my family and a few members of James's, picked up the guitar and began playing chords.

_Can you lie next to her  
and give her your heart, your heart?  
As well as your body  
and can you lie next to her  
and confess your love, your love?  
As well as your folly  
and can you kneel before the king  
and say "I'm clean", "I'm clean"?_

_But tell me now where was my fault  
in loving you with my whole heart?  
Oh tell me now where was my fault  
in loving you with my whole heart?_

_Her white blank page  
and a swelling rage, rage  
you did not think when you sent me to the brink, to the brink  
you desired my attention, but denied my affections, my affections_

_So tell me now where was my fault  
in loving you with my whole heart?  
Oh tell me now where was my fault  
in loving you with my whole heart?_

_Ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh  
Ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh  
Ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh  
Ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh_

_Lead me to the truth and I  
will follow you with my whole life  
oh lead me to the truth and I  
will follow you with my whole life_

_Ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh  
Ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh  
Ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh  
Ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh_

Julia and I finished singing both in huge grins as we heard a few people applaud us. I set the guitar down and decided it was time to turn in for the night. I gave Julia a brief hug and told her goodbye before heading up the stairs.

I entered my room and immediately grabbed my iPhone turning it on for the first time today. I had two missed calls from Damon and a few missed texts. I pulled it out and dialed his number.

_"Hello?" He asked._

_"Hey it's me." I told him smiling as I quickly plugged in the headphones and changed from my dress into my soccer hoodie and some Nike shorts._

_"Hey Meg, how was the wedding?" He asked._

_"It was pretty good, Julia and I had fun. Emmy is pissed at me."_

_"Why?" He asked._

_"Something about how you're changing me or some other bull shit like that. It's whatever, she'll get over it." I said._

_"But I am changing you." He protested._

_"Yeah for the better." I smiled. "What do you think about belly button rings? Oh or even cartilage piercings?" _

_"They're hot! Why?" He asked._

_"I'm thinking about doing mine." I admitted. "I researched it last night and it doesn't seem that hard." _

_"That's going to hurt like hell. You could get a release from it." _

_"That's what I was thinking but I want you to be on the phone when I do it." _

_"I'll be right here baby." He promised._

_"I took a clamp from the first aid kit and also bought a belly button ring because apparently it's easiest to pierce it with it and then leave it." I told him. _

_I laid down on the floor and grabbed the box from under the bed I had pre-prepared. "God, you're going to look so sexy." He told me._

_"It says to go from the bottom up." I said. "Well, here goes nothing." I said as I cleansed my stomach with alcohol and grabbed the ring. I held my breath and jammed it as hard as possible into my stomach. "Holy shit!" I yelled into the phone praying to God no one could hear me._

_"Does it hurt baby? I bet it feels good." He told me._

_"I think I'm going to pass out." I told him._

_"Don't you feel better? Isn't it a rush?" He asked._

_"A little bit but I feel like I'm going to pass out." I told him again._

_"Maybe you should just breathe." He suggested._

_I took his advice and breathed deeply composing myself. "Maybe the cartilage should wait." I told him._

_"Oh come on, you've already pierced yourself once, what's another time?" He asked._

_I shrugged. "If you insist." I said taking a needle and another alcohol wipe this time cleaning my ear. I again shoved the needle in as hard and quick as possible. "That wasn't as bad." I admitted happy to be earning a threshold in pain. "My parents are going to flip." I told him._

_"That's all part of the fun." He laughed._

_"I'm going to bed." I yawned._

_"Ok babe, I'll be thinking of you." He told me._

_"Night."_

_"Night."_

I hung up my phone and collapsed on my bed trying to not let the pain consume me. I closed my eyes and managed to doze off.


	2. The Great Rebellion

Tear Stained Razor Blades

**Summary: **15 year old Megan Charlotte Shepherd has her life together on the outside but there are deep secrets on the inside. As the secrets reveal themselves can this young girl hold on? What will her family think when they learn of what goes on behind closed doors? Rated M for mature subject matter. Warning: Deals with self-harm.

**Chapter 2:**

**AN: This story is not going to be a happy story, it might not have a happy ending. I'm warning you if you are a cutter or were, this could be very triggering. This is in no way promoting cutting, because I, as a previous cutter, know that cutting can only lead you down a dangerous quickly downward spiraling journey that ultimately ends with destruction. I do hope you will enjoy this though J I have 6 chapters completed and am posting daily (hopefully) or maybe every other day. I'm going to require myself to finish a chapter before posting one. I hope you will take the time to read and review this **

**Other AN: I couldn't wait to post this chapter so you are getting a treat :) another chapter will come tomorrow :)**

_"Humanity has advanced, when it has advanced, not because it has been sober, responsible, and cautious, but because it has been playful, rebellious, and immature." –Tom Robbins_

Megan POV

I woke up early the next morning and rolled myself out of bed. I felt sick to my stomach but I assumed it was from sleeping on my newly pierced belly button. I pulled my shirt up and looked at it. It was red but didn't look infected so that was a good sign. I headed to my bathroom and opened the medicine cabinet taking a few Tylenol and wiping around both of my new piercings with alcohol. I went back into my bedroom and dug through a dresser to find the bikini my mom hated. Hey if I'm going to piss her off anyway why not have some fun doing it? The bikini was a strapless leopard print that was supposedly "way too old for me". Mom had ordered me to get rid of it but instead I just kept it hidden better. The belly button ring was black with a bow tie at the end of it so it was quite flashy on my tan stomach. I finished my look with a white tank top and a denim mini skirt. I but my hair in a side fishtail and put on heavy mascara and eyeliner, waterproof so it wouldn't run. Mom was going to flip. That's all there is to it. She is going to freak out and yell but I don't care at this point.

I walked outside to see my cousins all either in the water, eating, or laying out. I glanced around for my mom and couldn't see her. I decided to warn Julia and Emmy of what was to come and walked over to where they were laying out to take off my tank top and skirt. "Guys, look what I did!" I cheered happily pointing at my bellybutton.

"NO way!"Julia yelled.

"When!? HOW?" Emmy asked as if she hadn't been pissed at me yesterday.

"Last night. I googled it." I said happily.

"I like it but your parents are going to freak!" Julia shrieked.

"I know but it's so worth it." I smiled.

"Didn't it hurt?" Emmy asked.

"Not too bad, just at first." I told her.

"It looks red. Did you clean it and stuff?" Julia asked concerned.

"Yeah I mean I think it's supposed to be kind of red. It's not too sore." I promised.

"But it is sore?" Emmy asked.

"Yeah but I took some Tylenol so it isn't so bad."

"Oh look there's our moms." Julia said looking over to where our moms were walking towards us with food.

I began mentally preparing myself for the lecture of a lifetime. Our moms approached us and mom looked mad, probably on seeing the swimsuit I had chosen. "Megan Charlotte Shepherd! I told you to get rid of that swimsuit." She scolded.

"It's good for tanning." I shrugged. She didn't notice my new accessory at first.

"Only around family." She obliged.

"Thanks mommy." I said laying down hoping I wouldn't have to spell out for her that I had a belly button ring.

"What is on your stomach?" She asked slightly angry.

"What do you mean?" I asked innocently.

"I mean, WHAT THE HELL IS ON YOUR STOMACH?!" She screamed.

"Oh, I pierced it. Do you like it? I wasn't sure if I should use this one or the batman one…" I trailed off.

"You think this is FUNNY!? GET UP! NOW!" She yelled at me. My aunts all looked shocked and angry with me as well.

"Why?" I asked.

"We are going to see if your father approves!" She said grabbing my arm and pulling me off the ground.

All my aunts, Emmy, and Julia all followed us as my mother dragged me over to where my dad was sitting with my uncles. "Ladies…" My dad said probably wondering what the hell was going on.

"Look at what YOUR daughter did!" Mom screamed letting go of me for the first time.

"I don't see anything different." Dad said.

"SHE MUTILATED HERSELF!" Mom shrieked.

"Mutilated is a strong word…" I started.

"Don't you DARE get smart with me right now young lady! Derek look at her stomach!" Mom screamed.

"Ok well I'm sure there's a perfectly good explanation for this right Meg?" My dad asked me always having my back.

"I like the way they look." I shrugged.

"SO YOU PIERCED YOURSELF BECAUSE YOU LIKE THE WAY SOMETHING LOOKS?!" Mom screamed.

"What? It saved money." I suggested trying to sound logical.

"You think that makes THIS ok?!" Mom yelled.

"What? What's wrong with it? I like it! That's all that should matter!" I yelled back.

"Take it out!" Mom ordered.

"No!" I said covering my stomach with my hands.

"Yes! Do it now!"

"No, it will hurt." I argued.

"So you're worried about pain now? Didn't it hurt to get it in?" She asked in disbelief.

"Dad…" I pleaded.

"If your mother wants it out then take it out." Dad told me gently.

"No, I can't. It will hurt. Just let me leave it in until I'm supposed to take it out." I begged.

"If you won't take it out, I will take it out for you, or one of your aunts. We're all doctors I'm sure we can figure it out." Mom suggested.

"No! Please mom just let me keep it!" I begged.

"No! Take it out!" She yelled.

I decided to just quit arguing. "Fine it can come out but I don't want to do it. It will hurt." I told her.

"Do you want me to do it?" She asked easing up her mood.

Mom was pissed enough that I didn't think she would be a logical person to take it out and cause minimal pain. "No, can Aunt Lizzie do it?" I asked seeing as she seemed to be the least pissed of the females in my family.

"Fine." Mom said.

"Let's get inside so it's a bit more sterile." Aunt Lizzie suggested.

I followed her inside and over to the couch where I laid down. "It's probably going to hurt isn't it?" I asked as the rest of my family hovered.

"Well it looks infected so it probably will. I'll be gentle I promise." She said smiling at me.

"Ok." I said sucking it up. It was my fault I was in this situation in the first place. Aunt Lizzie washed her hands and returned back to me putting her hand on my stomach unscrewing the bottom part of the ring.

She pulled at it causing me to stifle a cry at the stinging pain. She put the ring aside and cleaned up my stomach as I looked at the nasty hole which trust me, was a lot more appealing with a ring in it. Once she was finished I sat up rubbing my stomach a little bit.

"Why don't you go to your room while I calm down a little?" Mom suggested

"Ok." I said scurrying out of the living room and up to my room as quickly as possible glad to get away. Mom calming down meant she was trying her best not to cuss and scream so I was glad to get out of there.

I plopped on my bed after pulling on some shorts and a t-shirt and pulled out my phone sending a text to Damon.

_"Mom flipped, had to take the ring out. Hurts like hell L She's being unreasonable." _

_"That sucks. What did she say?"_

_"Not much just that she didn't like it and then she made my aunt take it out and sent me to my room." _

_"Damn, that really does suck. What about the earring?"_

_"She hasn't seen it yet."_

_"Keep it hidden?"_

_"That's my plan ;)"_

_"Do you need a release? I have a new technique."_

_"I can't risk it while I'm at the beach. Too many chances that someone could see."_

_"Oh, I guess it will have to wait then L" _

_"Afraid so." _

I heard a faint knock on my door and sighed. "Come in."

Mom and dad both came into my room, dad looking a bit angry but nothing compared to mom. She had calmed down but still looked like she was ready for war.

"What you did was stupid." Mom began "Not to mention dangerous. Why the hell would you try and pierce yourself?"

"I knew you wouldn't let me get it done." I said simply.

"Exactly so why would you even think about doing it yourself?" She asked.

"Because I like them." I told her.

"You know who has those? Tramps. Tramps have those Megan." Mom said angrily.

"Well then I guess I'm a tramp because I like them." I said rolling my eyes.

"Don't you get that tone with me young lady! I'm only looking out for you." Mom said.

"You're overbearing! You and dad both are!" I yelled looking at my dad for the first time. "I'm 15 and still have a BED TIME! You won't let me go to people's houses unless you sit and have like a formal discussion with their parents! You won't even let me date!" I yelled.

"We are just looking out for you." Dad said.

"Well stop! I'm tired of being treated like a child!" I yelled.

"We will stop treating you like a child when you stop acting like one." Dad contradicted.

"I'm trying to be a good kid! I get good grades, I've not sat a minute on the bench in soccer, I have good friends, I don't get why I can't have a little fun." I argued.

"Piercing yourself is fun?" Mom asked.

"No! Being trusted is fun! Having you let me do something I want is fun!" I screamed. "You don't get it!"

"No we don't, we don't get it but we are trying our best to." Dad said.

"You couldn't understand." I told him. "Not even if you tried."

"We are trying Meg but it's got to be more than just us trying. You've got to try too." Mom said putting her hand under my chin. "We don't want you to ruin your life."

"Oh my god mom one belly button ring wasn't going to ruin my life." I argued.

"No, one belly button ring isn't going to ruin your life but it could be the start of something that does." Dad told me.

"Oh my god you both over think everything! I'm fine I just wanted it because I like it! God can't you just trust me?"

"We are trying to trust you but after this, it's going to take awhile to regain our trust." Mom told me.

"Whatever can't you just ground me or something so I can be alone?" I asked.

"Fine, you're grounded for three weeks. No going anywhere with friends unless an adult is there, no TV, social networking, no anything. You can keep your phone because it's easier to keep track of you that way. Do not break our trust on it though." Dad told me irritated.

"Fine can I just be alone?" I asked.

My parents looked at me for a few moments before finally leaving me. I watched as they left and closed the door. I got up at locked it grabbing my phone.

_"Want to tell me about that new technique?" I sent a text to Damon._

_"Sure, what changed?" _

_"I just need a release."_

_"The trick is to not cut deep like you did the few other times. It hurts worse to do it shallow because of nerves and stuff." _

I looked around the room and headed to the bathroom. I broke a razor taking a blade. Was I actually going to do this right now? It will only be the fifth, maybe sixth time but am I really going to risk my family seeing marks? Am I going to let a tiny bit of criticism from my parents make me do this?

_"I don't think I want too…" _

_"That's your mind playing tricks on you. You do want to. It will help everything."_

_"No I really don't want to. It's too big of a risk." _

_"If you're too afraid of a little blade then I'm afraid we can't be friends."_

My heart melted. I wanted to be Damon's friend, perhaps more than a friend. I love Damon.

_"Fine I'll do it." I said._

_"That's my girl. Remember, shallow cuts are best. You'll have to send me pictures so I can make sure you actually did it." _

I inhaled as I placed the blade on my wrist quickly slicing and seeing blood begin to surface and drip a bit on the bathroom floor. I sliced again right underneath it. It really did feel good. It was like for a second the pain was a good feeling. I sliced two more times before taking a picture and sending it to Damon. I let the blood drip out of me a bit more before bandaging myself and cleaning up the floor.

_"Those are nice pictures baby." _

_"It felt good."_

_"I told you it would."_

I cleaned up a bit before leaving the bathroom and changing into a long sleeve t-shirt. As I realized it was lunch time I made my way downstairs before anyone could be sent up after me.

The rest of the days went by smoothly, everything was good. The cutting helped. It helped a lot. I discovered how to cover it with bracelets so I could still go boogie boarding with Julia and Emmy after dinner. They didn't suspect a thing. I headed up to my room after a long day and got in the shower, cleaning my cuts once more. It felt good to have them sting at the contact of the soap. I finished showering and curled up in my bed with my phone thinking about sleeping but not wanting to sleep. I finally gave in and let sleep overcome me.


	3. The Not So Beautiful Let Down

Tear Stained Razor Blades

**9 Crimes Fans! Don't fear I haven't given up on it! I'm waiting for my laptop to be fixed (where I had chapters already completed) and in the meantime am using my brother's so I promise I haven't given up yet!**

**Summary: **15 year old Megan Charlotte Shepherd has her life together on the outside but there are deep secrets on the inside. As the secrets reveal themselves can this young girl hold on? What will her family think when they learn of what goes on behind closed doors? Rated M for mature subject matter. Warning: Deals with self-harm.

**Chapter 3:**

**AN: This story is not going to be a happy story, it might not have a happy ending. I'm warning you if you are a cutter or were, this could be very triggering. This is in no way promoting cutting, because I, as a previous cutter, know that cutting can only lead you down a dangerous quickly downward spiraling journey that ultimately ends with destruction. I do hope you will enjoy this though J I have 6 chapters completed and am posting daily (hopefully) or maybe every other day. I'm going to require myself to finish a chapter before posting one. I hope you will take the time to read and review this J**

_"I'm not going home, not really." –Harry Potter: Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone._

Megan POV

Today we are returning home to Connecticut. The first day of my sophomore year is in a few weeks which I am actually happy about. That only means I get to see Damon. Soccer practice starts tomorrow which I am very glad about too. Soccer is my very favorite thing to do and even though it's hard, I could never dream of not playing. I wheeled the last of my suitcase outside and watched as dad loaded it in the back of our SUV. It was chilly for August as I felt the breeze come by. It was a good excuse for a hoodie. I climbed in the back of the car next to my brother staring at our beach house not wanting to say goodbye.

"Well I think that's everything." Dad said.

"Are you sure you both got all of your things?" Mom asked.

"Yeah, positive." I told her looking out the window.

"It's all there." Chris answered.

"Well I guess we're good to head home." Dad said.

"We'll come back for fall break." Mom promised.

"I just love it here." I told her.

"I know but like I said, it'll be no time until we're back." She said turning to pat my knee.

"Besides, you two will stay plenty busy, what between your soccer practices and Chris's football? You won't have time to miss it." Dad smiled.

"It's just nice to be here." Chris said. He loved the beach house as much as I did for many of the same reasons. For one, our parents didn't work while we stayed here during the summers, and for another, he had plenty of friends that lived a few houses down. He loved it here and it was just as hard for him as it is for me to say goodbye.

"Hey, cheer up! You're making me depressed." Dad joked.

We both looked at him for a second. "Sorry." I apologized.

The drive was spent in silence as we both stared out of the windows not wanting to let summer go quite yet.

We arrived home, to our big house right next door to Aunt Lizzie's. Our house was mom and dad's dream house, light and open with a log cabin feel to it. Dad parked in the garage and I grabbed my bags out of the trunk heading up to my room. My bedroom has yellow walls with all black and white furniture and posters. My bed is black and white but with red sheets and red pillows. It suits me. I left my bags in the middle of my floor before sitting on my bed. I looked around exhausted and wanting to sleep but instead grabbed my phone.

Damon had texted me. _"Hey you got back today right?"_

_"Yeah but I'm still in the dog house L" _

_"Awe that suck L you should sneak out tonight ;)"_

_"If I don't pass out of exhaustion first I might." _

_"We could just chill, or you could…never mind."_

_"No what could I do?" _

_"Well I acquired some stuff to add to the stash last night."_

_"What is it?" _

_"The STASH."_

_"Oh, that stash. I already told you I won't do drugs."_

_"Oh come on, it makes you feel good." _

_"No, I'm not going to. Both of my parents are doctors, if they found out, which they probably would, I would quite literally be dead."_

_"Hey, my dad's the district attorney and he still hasn't caught on."_

_"No, I'm not going to do drugs."_

_"Then I'm not going to be your friend." _

I mean I guess one time of being high was entitled to me as a teenager. I'm not going to get addicted or anything.

_"Fine but just this one time, can you pick me up a few houses away from mine late tonight? Like 2 AM? I don't want to risk being caught."_

_"Sounds good." _

I put my phone up and began to unpack my things picking an outfit for tonight. I settled on a black tank top and a red mini skirt setting it in an easily accessible place in my closet for my getaway. Sneaking out of my second story window wasn't going to be easy but I could do it, I hope.

I took a nap once everything was in its place. A much needed nap.

I woke up to my mom calling me down for dinner. "Come on Meg, time for dinner!" She called which by her tone seemed like for the fourth or fifth time.

"I'm not hungry! Can I just sleep!?" I called back.

"You won't sleep tonight and you have soccer tomorrow!" She called back.

"Is that a no?" I called again.

"Yes, that is a no. Now get down here!" Dad called.

I stumbled my way down the stairs and into the kitchen which smelled like Chinese food. "Tired?" Mom asked.

"Yeah a bit." I answered.

"Do you feel ok?" Dad asked moving to put his hand on my forehead. "You don't feel warm."

"I'm fine it's just sleep deprivation. I'm sure once I get in the swing of things I'll be fine." I assured them.

"Tell us if you feel worse." Mom ordered.

"Yes Dr. Shepherd." I said knowing that she got how irritated I would get when she and dad went into doctor mode.

"Fine, fine, we'll leave you alone." Dad grumbled. "Now let's eat I'm starved!"

We all sat and ate as a family having usual small talk. We talked about soccer and football, and what our school schedules would be like next year. After shoving my face with food, I was finally allowed to go back to my room where I closed the door and began getting ready for tonight. I mean I need to look good don't I? I applied tons of makeup, heavy mascara just how Damon likes it. He loves when I leave my hair down so I didn't do too much there. I slipped on the black tank top and red miniskirt putting some rather large red hoops in my ears. I looked HOT! I grabbed some red heels which I slipped on my feet making me about three or four inches taller. If anyone in my family ever saw me like this I would literally be digging my own grave. I looked at my phone and saw it was only 10 PM. I decided to see if Damon could be here any earlier.

_"Hey can you get here earlier? I'm bored."_

_"Sure babe what time?"_

_"I'm ready now." _

_"How's 11?" _

_"Perfect." _

I sat on my bed for 45 minutes before finally deciding to go for the escape. I opened my window but decided there was no way in hell I could make it down alive. It was time for plan B. I chucked my shoes out the window before wrapping up in a bathrobe. I walked as quietly as possible through my house making it to the back door with ease. I peaked around and saw my mom and dad curled up on the couch watching TV. I, as quietly as possible, opened the door. I picked up the heels I had chucked out the window and stashed my bathrobe in the bushes as hidden as possible before taking off running.

It was such a rush, sneaking out. I made it to the designated pick up house and slipped the heels back on. Damon pulled up in his Chevy Cruze and I hopped in. "Hey hot stuff." He said winking at me.

I looked into his grey eyes and smiled. He had recently combed through his black hair and styled it just the way I liked it. He was wearing a grey v-neck t-shirt and black skinny jeans. I could see his six pack through the shirt. "I've missed you." I said.

"I've talked to you like everyday this summer." He laughed beginning to drive.

"Yeah but I haven't SEEN you since I left for the Hamptons. That's the only downside to the trip."

"You got tan." He pointed out.

"I know, I'm like a Mexican right?"

He laughed. "A very smoking hot Mexican."

"Thanks." I giggled.

"I like the cartilage piercing, I wish you still had the belly button one."

"I know me too."

"So your mom just flipped?"

"Oh yeah, it was like I had committed a murder or something."

"Damn, that sucks."

"Yes it does, where are we going?" I asked noticing that he missed the turn to his street.

"My older brother's apartment. He's working tonight and he loaned me the key." I suddenly became nervous. Just what was he planning on doing?

"Sounds good." Was all I managed to get out.

The drive took no time at all and we pulled up to a nice looking apartment complex. "Come on." He said opening my door and taking my hand.

He led me up to an apartment which he unlocked and sat on the couch pulling me down with him. He began to force his lips onto me and I tried to push away. "Wait." I said.

"Why? We have the place to ourselves."

"I'm a…" I tried.

"A virgin? Really? You don't come across as the type." He said kissing me again.

"Damon!" I said harshly.

"What? Isn't this what you wanted?" He asked irritated.

"I thought we were going to get high…" I started.

"You want to do that part first?" He asked.

"I'm not on the pill." I told him.

"I have condoms."

"Damon, this is too fast, we aren't even dating yet."

"Get out!" He yelled.

"Damon seriously? You're my ride home."

"Either get out or let me fuck you." He said. I began shaking. He slapped me. "Bitch you heard me!" he yelled.

"You're scaring me!" I yelled.

"Good!" He said slapping me again.

"Get off of me!" I screamed.

He grabbed my arm and pulled me off the couch. "Get out! Get out now!"

"Damon!" I tried again. "Why are you acting like this?"

"Get out!" He yelled before shoving me down.

I scrambled to my feet and scurried out of the apartment complex. I thought of my options on who to call. My only friends with cars weren't very close to me and I don't want them to know about this. I settled on Sebastian, Julia's older brother. He's 17 and has a car and won't be pissed at me for calling. I quickly dialed his number and prayed he would answer.

_"Hello?" A sleepy voice answered the phone._

_"Sebastian!" I half sobbed._

_"Meg! Is that you? What's wrong?" He asked his protective instincts kicking in._

_"Can you come get me?" I asked._

_"Where are you?"_

_"I'm at the Lakeside Apartment Complex." I told him._

_"What are you doing there?" He asked._

_"I snuck out to see Damon but he…he isn't himself. Please just come get me." I begged._

_"I will be there as soon as I can." He promised._

_"Don't say a word about any of this." I ordered him._

_"I won't." He promised._

I hung up the phone and pulled my knees into my chest crying lightly hoping that Damon wouldn't come out and see me. I heard a car pull and was very relieved to see my cousin's silver Volvo. I got up as quickly as possible and got into his car.

"What the hell happened to you?" He asked seeing me in this state.

"It's nothing ok? Nothing happened. It was just a mistake." I told him.

"Did that jack ass hurt you?" He asked.

"NO!" I snapped. "No I'm fine." I promised.

Sebastian drove me back home where I quickly put the bathrobe back on and snuck back inside. I ran to my room as quickly and quietly as possible and dropped to my knees sobbing as I thought of everything that had happened. I then got the idea to cut again. I pulled out the razor blade I kept in my night stand and began to slice open the old cuts. I sliced until my whole wrist was covered in my blood. I cried until I had no tears left in me. I forced myself to get up and clean up the mess. I made sure no blood had gotten on anything and then changed into some pajamas and washed my face of all the makeup. I had a bruise forming on my arm from where I had been grabbed and my face still had a red handprint from being slapped but I couldn't worry about that right now. I would worry about that in the morning. For now I just needed to sleep.


	4. The First Day of School

Tear Stained Razor Blades

**Summary: **15 year old Megan Charlotte Shepherd has her life together on the outside but there are deep secrets on the inside. As the secrets reveal themselves can this young girl hold on? What will her family think when they learn of what goes on behind closed doors? Rated M for mature subject matter. Warning: Deals with self-harm.

**Chapter 4:**

**AN: This story is not going to be a happy story, it might not have a happy ending. I'm warning you if you are a cutter or were, this could be very triggering. This is in no way promoting cutting, because I, as a previous cutter, know that cutting can only lead you down a dangerous quickly downward spiraling journey that ultimately ends with destruction. I do hope you will enjoy this though J I have 6 chapters completed and am posting daily (hopefully) or maybe every other day. I'm going to require myself to finish a chapter before posting one. I hope you will take the time to read and review this J**

_"I am always ready to learn although I do not always like being taught." –Winston Churchill_

Meg POV

It had been week since Damon had hit me and not a moment has gone by that he hasn't apologized. Soccer has been good and I've earned my position back as starting center forward. I had finally forgiven Damon and we are back to talking every night. The cutting has been becoming more and more natural to me. It's like I was supposed to be doing this from the day I was born. Today is the first day of school, great, another year at Our Lady of Perpetual Healing, or as I like to call it, Our Lonely Place of Hell. Catholic school is fun at times, like when we live up to our reputations of being rebellious, but at other times it sucks. Like the uniforms and difficulty of the work.

I glared at myself in the mirror, at the red plaid skirt, white button down, red sweater vest, navy blazer, and navy knee socks. This had to be one of the worst uniforms in the history of school uniforms. I groaned as I pulled on my penny loafers and headed down stairs.

Breakfast was spent in silence, everyone not quite back into the right sleep schedule, and dad finally announced it was time to leave for school. Chris and I filed into the back of his car and prepared ourselves for the car ride we had made every day of every school year since pre-school. It wasn't a long ride but it was a dreary one. Something about riding to school made everything seem to take about a thousand times as long.

We arrived at the churchlike building pulling up to the high school so I could get out. "Have a nice day." Dad said smiling at me.

I got out rolling my eyes. Like that would happen. I slung my backpack filled with new supplies on and walked in the big building. I saw Emmy and Julia sitting in front of some lockers on the floor laughing. I decided to join them and walked over. "Look who finally decided to show up." Emmy said laughing.

"I would like to point out that I am fifteen minutes early." I said matter-of-factly.

"You're right, it's a miracle." Julia laughed. "Megan Shepherd shows up early to school for the first time in 10 years, I can already see it in the school paper."

Julia and Emmy laughed as I rolled my eyes. I was known for making Chris and I late for school and for that matter, the whole family if I ever spent the night at one of their houses. "Have you seen Damon?" I asked them hopeful that my best friend, hopefully my eventual boyfriend, had made his appearance.

"You're still hanging out with him?" Emmy asked.

"It wasn't just a phase, he's my friend." I told her.

"Right." She said.

"Do you have some personal problem with him? Has he done something to you?" I asked.

"It doesn't matter what I think, you obviously don't value my opinion." She said.

"Ok first the fight at the Hamptons, now this, what is your problem?"

"I'm just worried about you. He's not a good guy." She said a little too loudly causing a few heads to turn to see what we were talking about.

"We're not having this discussion here; we can talk in private later but not here."

"Julia, back me up here, he isn't a good guy." Emmy continued.

"I think Meg is right, we shouldn't be having this discussion here." Julia said looking at me taking in my anger.

"I'm going to class." I said getting up and grabbing my stuff before stomping to my first class of the day, chemistry. I took a seat at an empty lab table hoping I would have a good lab partner.

The first bell rang shortly after I arrived in class and other students began pouring in. My class, by the looks of them, was made up of mostly juniors. I could only hope that Damon was in my class. I sat and waited, looking at every person that entered the room and was glad to see Damon. He smiled at me and took the empty chair next to me.

"Well fancy this; I have my first class with you. What could be a better way to start my day then seeing your pretty face?" He flashed another smile at me.

"I'm glad to have class with you too." I smiled.

The teacher entered and introduced himself. He handed out text books and immediately began a lecture. I could already tell this guy was going to be a hard ass. I was grateful when the bell rang and a little less grateful when the teacher assigned homework. I walked with Damon to our next shared class together, study hall.

The day went by like any other first day of school. We got our text books, met our teachers, and the day finally came to a close at the annual first day of school assembly where we were made aware of every new rule or policy that had been made.

I said goodbye to Damon before making my way to the locker room with Julia to get changed for practice. "Sorry about Emmy this morning, she just doesn't get it." Julia said as we walked towards the field house.

"It's just I don't see how me being happy is a bad thing." I told her.

"It's not it's just that Emmy holds people's pasts against them and let's face it, Damon doesn't have the best past."

"He's changed, he's still changing." I promised.

"I know, I see that, I think you'll be good for him but I also see that you're changing too. Just don't change too much."

"I think I love him." I told her. "For now we are best friends but I think there's something more."

"Well if this might be a future cousin by marriage then I should be entitled to meet him." She announced clapping her hands together.

"I don't know you two don't have very many things in common." I said thinking of maybe the only thing that was similar to them which was me. If she knew his real hobbies, she would be running as fast as possible in the other way.

"So what, I still want to meet him." She said happily.

"I guess he can like come over for dinner or something. Maybe him meeting the whole family at the same time would be easiest."

"You want to introduce the poor guy to our ENTIRE family at the same time?"

"Yeah is there something wrong with that?" I asked.

"Well if he doesn't run off after that then you know you've got a keeper." She laughed as we entered the locker room.

"He won't run off." I promised walking to my locker and grabbing some clothes.

We changed and prepared ourselves for the heat strokes we would surely suffer in the hot August heat.

Practice went by smoothly especially being as hot as it was. I was extremely glad to make my way to Aunt Kate's car with Julia to finally leave campus. We got in the backseat both loving the instant relief of the air conditioning.

"Hello ladies, how was your day?" Aunt Kate asked smiling.

"It was good, practice was hot." Julia answered happily.

"What about you Meg? How was your day?"

"I regret taking accelerated classes already." I admitted.

"Was it that bad?" She asked pulling out of the school.

"I already have a butt load of homework and it's only the first day." I sighed.

"I'm sure it will get better." She promised.

"One can only hope." I said.

"Well you two are both coming to our house because your parents are both in an emergency surgery." She told me.

"Together?" I asked.

"Yeah they had a pregnant lady that got into a car accident." She explained.

"What about Chris?" I asked wondering where my brother was.

"He went with Liz and her boys." She explained to me.

'What are we doing for dinner?" Julia asked.

"I was thinking we could go out. How does seafood sound?"

"Wonderful." I said.

"We're starving." Julia explained.

"So basically anything sounds good?" Aunt Kate laughed. "I'll call Mike and Sebastian and make sure they can make it and we can leave as soon as you two are cleaned up a bit. You both smell like sweaty soccer players."

"We don't smell THAT bad." Julia claimed.

I sniffed myself and basically gagged. "Yeah we do." I told her.

We all laughed and finally pulled up to their house. Julia and I put our bags by the door and made our way up the stairs. "Help yourself to my closet." Julia offered. "I get dibs on first shower."

Julia left to take a shower as I began searching for an outfit that could cover my wrists. I found a navy blue light weight sweater with a white anchor on it. It was perfect. I grabbed a pair of white skinny jeans with rips on the legs. I grabbed some navy blue heals and waited for Julia to get out of the shower.

Julia entered her room wrapped in towels. "Cute outfit." She said pointing to the clothes I had laid out on her bed.

I laughed. "They're your clothes."

"I know." She laughed. "That's what makes them so cute."

I rolled my eyes and made my way to the bathroom. I turned on the hot water and got in the shower letting it roll down me. I wanted a release, I wanted to cut but I didn't know how I could pull it off. I already had the long sleeves but I wasn't sure if there was anything to clean the blood with in the bathroom. My wrist was begging to be sliced, the old scars needed to be replaced with new ones.

I looked around the shower for anything I could use. I couldn't risk breaking a razor, that would be to obvious. My nails were pretty long so I decided to use them. I clawed at my wrist until blood began to surface. It felt good, being the direct cause of the pain. I let the blood run down the drain happy to have found a release. I sat bleeding in the shower watching as the blood cleansed my wrist. The water stung but that just made everything feel better.

I finally stopped bleeding and brought myself to get out of the shower and dry off. I searched through the cabinets and luckily found a few band-aids. I covered the fresh cuts as I looked in the mirror. What was I becoming? A few years ago I would have never dreamed of doing this but now, now it's normal. It feels so natural.

I walked out of the bathroom and was glad to see Julia wasn't in her room. It would be difficult to explain why I went in perfectly fine and came out bandaged up. I slipped on the clothes and towel dried my hair. I finally finished getting ready and walked down the stairs where I saw Uncle Mike, Aunt Kate, Julia, and Sebastian all patiently waiting for me.

Things between me and Sebastian had been awkward since that night when I called him to get me. I know he suspects something happened but he has left it alone for now which I am grateful for. If anyone were to find out what happened, I would never be allowed to see Damon again. That would be one of my worst nightmares. He is the love of my life. "Ready?" Uncle Mike asked.

"Yeah let's get some food." I said enthusiastically.

We all rode together to the restaurant, with various awkward small talk conversations the whole way. The restaurant wasn't very crowded so there was no wait at all. We all ordered and then went back to more awkward conversations.

"So, Meg, are there any boys I should be threatening?" Uncle Mike asked causing me to hold my breath for a split second.

"No not exactly." I said which wasn't a complete lie. Damon and I weren't dating yet.

"What about Damon?" Aunt Kate asked causing me to glare at Julia earning an apologetic smile.

"Wait you're dating him?" Sebastian asked angrily.

"No, we're just friends." I answered mentally adding in for now.

"Good, you shouldn't date him. He's a creep." Sebastian said looking off.

"He is NOT." I argued. "He's just misunderstood."

"Or a creep." Sebastian stated again.

"Do you even know him?" I asked starting to get a bit angry.

"More or less so. I'm just saying, I'm looking out for you and that Damon, you just deserve better." Sebastian really was looking out for me and I knew through these words he was talking about what happened the other night.

"He needs a friend." I said hoping to win Aunt Kate over in this argument.

"I think it's good you are expanding your circle of friends." She said smiling at me.

Sebastian glared at me for a second. "You could always expand to some people a little more normal." He suggested.

"Shut up." I snapped quietly.

"How about a new topic?" Uncle Mike suggested. "How's soccer going ladies?"

"It's going great! It's awesome to be a starter this year." Julia smiled. She had been second string due to a senior last year so this year she was extremely glad to be starting.

"It's also nice to have your best friend as your other center forward. We work well together." I finished with a grin.

"I still think you two should try and get Emmy to play." Aunt Kate suggested.

Julia and I looked at each other and laughed at the mere thought of Emmy playing a sport. She did well to hit the birdie in PE badminton. "I don't think that's a good idea mom, have you seen the poor thing try to play sports?" Julia laughed again.

"Besides, we have other hobbies together." I added in.

The rest of dinner was spent laughing and shoving our faces with seafood. I was pretty exhausted and groaned at the thought that I still had tons of homework to do. We pulled back into Aunt Kate's driveway and filed out of the car and into the house. I dragged my overly heavy backpack to the kitchen table and pulled out tons of papers and text books. I began with my German homework, which was a get to know you worksheet. How stupid is that? We aren't like 5. I made it all the way through each class's homework finishing at 11:00 PM. I had a huge sigh of relief and made my way up to Julia's room changing into some pajamas and collapsing beside her snoring form in the bed. It had been a long day.


	5. The Meet and Greet

Tear Stained Razor Blades

**Summary: **15 year old Megan Charlotte Shepherd has her life together on the outside but there are deep secrets on the inside. As the secrets reveal themselves can this young girl hold on? What will her family think when they learn of what goes on behind closed doors? Rated M for mature subject matter. Warning: Deals with self-harm.

**Chapter 5:**

**AN: This story is not going to be a happy story, it might not have a happy ending. I'm warning you if you are a cutter or were, this could be very triggering. This is in no way promoting cutting, because I, as a previous cutter, know that cutting can only lead you down a dangerous quickly downward spiraling journey that ultimately ends with destruction. I do hope you will enjoy this though J I have 6 chapters completed and am posting daily (hopefully) or maybe every other day. I'm going to require myself to finish a chapter before posting one. I hope you will take the time to read and review this J**

_"The three year old who lies about taking a cookie isn't really a liar at all. He simply can't control his impulses. He then convinces himself of a new truth, and eager for your approval, reports the version he knows will make you happy." –Cathy Rindner Tempelsman_

Meg POV

Today is Saturday, a much deserved Saturday after a long difficult week at school. Tomorrow Damon is coming over for lunch, and to my dismay, will meet every member of my family including Aunt Amy and Uncle James who just got back from London. Today, I just have what is left of the day to myself. I slept until 2:30 in the afternoon so I only have a bit of the day but I plan to spend it in my bed, reading or sleeping. I curled up on my side flipping the page to our book for English class. It is called A Separate Peace and I actually have grown to love it. It's one of those books that draw you in and you never want to put down. I began reading yesterday and am already to the last chapter. I had shed tears, I had laughed, it had been a good book to this point.

I flipped through the pages, highlighting and taking notes, wanting desperately to finish. I stared out my window for a brief second seeing the rain pour down. It was a perfect day to curl up with a book. It took me about 10 minutes to finish up the last few pages and I immediately got out my laptop to begin the paper that would be due in a few weeks. I typed word after word about the beautifully written book and was glad to finally hit the save button. It had been a productive day. I had finished a book and written a paper and was finally ready to turn in for the night. I felt no need to cut for the first time in a long time. I turned off my light and dozed into a peaceful slumber.

I awoke early the next morning. I wanted to look good for Damon. I also wanted to blackmail Chris into being nice. I knew of a certain video of him kissing a girl during spin the bottle that I could easily show to my parents. I hopped in the shower washing my long hair and enjoying the quiet and peacefulness. I got out and began searching through my closet before settling on a simple navy blue shirt dress and a white, navy, purple, and light blue scarf. I French braided my hair into a side braid and applied the perfect amount of makeup onto my face. I smiled into the mirror before leaving my room and heading to my brother's. I knocked on the door. "Come in." My brother called.

I pushed the door open to see my little brother in dark jeans and a red polo shirt. "Hey." I said.

"Hey." He replied.

"So, I'm here on account of that little video." I said.

"What do you mean?" He asked innocently.

"Of you kissing that Samantha girl, you know the one. Look, if you aren't nice to Damon today, I will make sure mom and dad see it. Is that clear?" I said flashing an evil grin.

"I wasn't planning on being mean." He said.

"I know but I'm just saying, if you are." I told him patting his head.

"I'll pretend like I like him, how's that?" He asked.

"Perfect." I smiled. "I'll see you in a few."

I left Christopher's room and headed back to mine. I sent Damon a quick text.

_"Chris is going to pretend that you are like his idol." _

_"Cool, how'd you pull that off?"_

_"Blackmail."_

_"This is why I love you. I'll be there in 10."_

_"See you soon ;)"_

I put my phone up and made my way downstairs at the sound of the doorbell. Aunt Lizzie and Uncle Matt had walked over with Gavin and Ashton. The boys both looked angry with each other but nothing was unusual there. Aunt Lizzie and Uncle Matt seemed happy and were holding dishes of food. "I hear we will be meeting a boy." Aunt Lizzie said as I approached them.

"It's not a big deal, he's just a friend." I told her blushing.

"Sure he is." She winked.

I shook my head. "Be nice." I told her. "Don't go all momma bear on him." Aunt Lizzie had always been protective of me and had considered me as her daughter.

"I will behave myself." She promised. "And so will Matt."

"Hey, if he's nice to me I'll be nice to him." He said giving me a hug.

"That's fair enough." I told him smiling.

Nana was the next to arrive with her famous apple pie and macaroni. "Good afternoon nana." I said giving her a hug.

"You look very pretty; I hope this isn't for that boy." She said as Gavin, Ashton, and Chris all came to greet her.

"I like to look nice." I assured her.

"Usually you are in Nike shorts and a t-shirt for family lunches." She pointed out.

"It's a little for the boy." I admitted.

"I'm sure he's a mighty fine gentleman." She said kissing my cheek.

The doorbell rang again and my heart began to pound for Damon. I hope my family treats him nice. "I'll get it." Uncle Matt exclaimed.

"No, that's ok. I can get it." I said running ahead of him to the door. I pulled it open and saw Damon dressed in jeans and a button down shirt with flowers. "Hey." I said. "You didn't have to bring me flowers."

"They aren't for you." He laughed passing me to hand nana the bouquet. That was a smart move my friend. "They are for you." He said smiling.

"Why thank you dear." Nana said. "I'm Carolyn but you can call me nana. Everyone else does."

"It's a pleasure to meet you." He said taking her outstretched hand.

Introductions were finally out of the way as the rest of my family arrived. Julia and Emmy were asking Damon a million questions so I decided to rescue him "Why don't I show you around?" I offered.

"Sounds good." He said glad to get away from my overbearing curious friends.

I gave him the grand tour of the house finishing with my room. "And this is my room." I said pushing the door open.

"I like it." He said looking around.

"Yeah it's pretty cool."

"Your family seems nice, a bit overwhelming, but nice."

"They are crazy you don't have to pretend to like them."

"No I mean I actually sort of do like them, well besides the death glare from Sebastian. What is his problem?"

"Umm he's the one that picked me up that time."

"Shit does he know? I told you not to tell anyone! I didn't mean to!" He said raising his voice.

"Be quiet or someone will hear you." I hissed. "No he doesn't know. I'm sure he suspects things but he doesn't know anything."

"Suspects? Great, just great."

"Hey don't go blaming me. You hit me remember? It wasn't my fault."

"I could go to jail." He snapped.

"I'm not pressing charges, calm down. It's not a big deal. Sebastian knows how to keep his mouth shut."

"He better."

"Or what?" Damon was starting to scare me a little.

"Nothing, never mind, let's just go downstairs."

The lunch went by normally and Damon did his best to fit in. It helped that Chris was talking to him at every available moment. Damon finally told my family goodbye because he had to be home before dinner. My family politely told him goodbye so I assumed I was in the clear.

I heard Damon's car pull out of the driveway and an eerie silence fell over the table. "I don't want you seeing that boy again." Dad said.

What the hell? Who was he to tell me that? "What are you talking about?" I asked.

"I don't approve of him, neither does your mother."

"I'm in love with him."

"You don't even know what it's like to be in love yet."

"You can't tell me who I can and can't see. He needs me and I need him."

"He's not good for you." My mom added.

"Bull shit!" I snapped not caring about language at this point. "He's my best friend! I love him! I can't help who I love!"

"Again, like your father said, you don't even know what love is yet." Mom said.

"He cares about me. He protects me. We have no secrets, I tell him everything. He needs me. He has no one else!" I yelled.

"He's changing you and we don't like it." Dad told me.

"So what? I'm changing him too! He's trying to work through things and I'm helping him."

"End of discussion, you aren't allowed to see him anymore." Mom said.

"There was no discussion! You don't care! You don't give a damn what he is like you just don't think he lives up to our family standards! I hate you!" I screamed getting up and running to my room slamming the door. I didn't have time to see my family's faces but I could predict them. Some would be in disbelief, some angry, some sad, some happy, and some almost understanding at least I hope some would be understanding. I locked my door and searched for a razor. I began slicing at my wrist and sobbing. I sent Damon a text saying I couldn't see him and that I was sorry.

I sliced my wrist over and over again and moved to the top of my thigh. I cut and cut releasing some of the pain little by little until I gave into the sleepiness my tears had caused me and dozed off.


	6. The Worst Way to Have to Say Goodbye

Tear Stained Razor Blades

**Summary: **15 year old Megan Charlotte Shepherd has her life together on the outside but there are deep secrets on the inside. As the secrets reveal themselves can this young girl hold on? What will her family think when they learn of what goes on behind closed doors? Rated M for mature subject matter. Warning: Deals with self-harm.

**Chapter 6:**

**AN: This story is not going to be a happy story, it might not have a happy ending. I'm warning you if you are a cutter or were, this could be very triggering. This is in no way promoting cutting, because I, as a previous cutter, know that cutting can only lead you down a dangerous quickly downward spiraling journey that ultimately ends with destruction. I do hope you will enjoy this though J I have 6 chapters completed and am posting daily (hopefully) or maybe every other day. I'm going to require myself to finish a chapter before posting one. I hope you will take the time to read and review this J**

_"Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness, betrayals, and errors. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishing." –Anais Nin_

Meg POV

I woke up early the Monday after the dinner. I was extremely pissed at dad, I mean who was he to say I couldn't see Damon anymore? I don't care if he isn't up to our "family standards". I don't care if none of my family, at all, approved of him. I'm in love with him. Dad should understand that. I looked around and realized I needed to clean up. There was blood on my dark hardwood floors and a little bit on the dress I had fallen asleep in. I scrubbed the floor and put hydrogen peroxide on the blood stains of the dress. I took a shower rinsing all the dry blood from my body and going completely numb. I cried as I washed myself and finally brought myself to get out of the shower. I washed last night's mascara off my face and changed into school clothes before reapplying my makeup.

I made my way downstairs and to the kitchen table. I didn't say a word to either of my parents, I just sat in silence picking at my breakfast. We left for school on the rainy day and I stared out the window thinking of my love, my Damon.

We pulled up to the school where Dad stopped to let me out first at the high school but before I could get out of the car, a teacher was walking towards us. "School has been cancelled today, umm, actually, Megan, Dr. Shepherd, could you park the car and follow me to the principal's office please?

"Sure." Dad said as he began searching for a parking space. "What did you do?" Dad asked me quietly.

"I didn't do anything." I snapped.

"Whatever it is, it seems serious. I mean they cancelled school." Chris pointed out.

"I didn't do anything." I reassured them.

Dad and I got out of the car, leaving Chris, and made our way through the parking lot and to the high school entrance. Aunt Nancy was attempting to drop off Emmy right as we got there. "Derek! Thank goodness!" She called as we approached her car. "So apparently school is cancelled today?" She asked.

"Yes and Meg here is being summoned to the principal's office." He told her.

"I didn't do it whatever it is." I promised her throwing my hands up in surrender.

"Good luck." Emmy mouthed.

"No really I didn't do anything." I mouthed back.

She looked just as confused as I did.

We told Aunt Nancy farewell before walking into the empty high school. Father Thomas, our principal greeted us. "Why don't you both come with me?" He suggested not sounding angry, just sad and concerned. Dad and I followed him back into his office taking seats across from his as I noticed a woman standing in the corner. "This is Dr. Fitzpatrick, she has been assigned to our school in light of what happened last night."

"What did happen last night?" I asked him curious as to how it affected me and why the school would have called in a shrink.

He put his hands together cracking his knuckles. "There is no easy way to say this so I'm just going to say it bluntly. Damon Kingsport took his life last night."

Did he just say Damon took his life? "What?" I asked.

"Damon overdosed last night and unfortunately when his father found him it was too late to do anything. He passed away."

"No, Damon isn't dead. I talked to him last night. I saw him the other day. He's not dead there must be some mistake." I said.

"I'm afraid not." Father Thomas told me. "This is a horrific thing and I understand completely if that you are going through denial…"

"STOP!" I yelled at him. "This is NOT denial! Damon's okay. He was at our house for lunch yesterday. I can call him right now, he'll answer."

I pulled out my phone and dialed the number I knew by heart. _"Hey this is Damon, leave a message after the beep."_

"Ok so he overslept or something. He's a heavy sleeper. He's ok though." I assured the three concerned adults in the room.

"These feelings are completely normal." Dr. Fitzpatrick began. "There's no right way to cope with a suicide."

"Didn't you hear me? Damon is NOT dead!" I screamed.

"Meg…" Dad started.

"He's not dead." I cried.

"Meg, sweetie, it's going to be ok." Dad promised.

"It's not GOING to be ok, it is ok because Damon isn't dead." I said.

"Why don't you take Meg home? I'm sure she could use some rest and Coach Carson will understand." Father Thomas suggested to my concerned father.

"I don't need to go home, I don't need rest, because Damon isn't dead." I said again.

"I think that's a good idea." Dad said avoiding my claims. "Thank you for your time."

"There's going to be a candle service for him tomorrow evening in the quad at seven PM." Father Thomas said. "I'm sure it would help if you went."

I began crying as dad helped me out of the chair. "We'll be there." He promised.

Dad half carried me back to the car as I began to realize this wasn't some cruel prank. This was real. Damon was dead. Dad helped me into the front seat of the car where I sat shaking and crying. "What'd she do?" Chris asked jokingly.

"Chris, drop it." Dad said.

"Oh come on, it can't be that bad." Chris argued.

"Damon's dead!" I yelled at him. "Happy you little jack ass so just shut up!"

Dad looked shocked but didn't scold me. I think he knew that I was speaking out of anger. Dad dropped off Chris but told me I was coming to the practice with him. I was probably going to be forced to talk to Aunt Kate. "I'm so sorry." Dad said once we were alone.

"No you're not!" I snapped. "It's what you wanted right? You never wanted me to see him again? Well guess what! Now I can't!" I screamed.

Dad left me alone for the remainder of the car ride knowing anything he said to me would just upset me more. We pulled into his parking space where I slung the door open and walked inside the practice not waiting on my father. "Meg? What are you doing here?" Uncle Tommy asked as dad followed me inside.

"Come on Meg, calm down." Dad called after me.

"Don't tell me what to do! I hate you! He's dead because of you! You basically killed him!" I screamed causing a few of the nurses and patients in the lobby's heads to turn.

"I didn't want this to happen, I understand you're angry but you have to understand that I didn't want Damon to be harmed." Dad said as my mom and aunts came to see what the commotion was quickly followed by my uncles. They stopped in their tracks as I backed away from him.

"LIAR! SAY IT! SAY YOU HATE HIM! SAY IT!" I screamed. Dad said so himself that he didn't want me seeing him because he wasn't a good person. Tears began to pool in the corners of my eyes.

"Meg, sweetie." He said coming closer to me trying to wrap his arms around me.

"LEAVE ME ALONE!" I screamed shoving him away. "You know what!? It's not your fault! It's my fault! It's all my fault!" I screamed as tears threatened to pour out of my eyes. "I knew he overreacted to things but I still told him I couldn't see him. I knew he would do something crazy and serious if I told him but I still did. If I hadn't told him he would still be alive. If I had kept my mouth shut he might still be alive." I cried.

My mom came closer to me trying to take me in her arms. "Baby it's ok, everything will be ok." She tried soothing me but just making matters worse.

"NO! LEAVE ME ALONE!" I screamed trying to get away from her but failing as dad grabbed me.

"We can't! We can't leave you alone. This is not your fault, it's not." Dad said pulling me into his chest.

"It is my fault! It's all my fault!" I screamed as tears poured out of my eyes.

"Shh, baby, it's going to be ok. Everything's going to be ok." My dad promised me rubbing my back.

"He's gone." I cried. "He's actually gone." It was the first time I came to the realization that Damon would never see me again. He was gone.

"I know, I know he is. I know it feels impossible right now but baby, you've got to hold on." Dad told me holding me tighter.

"Why don't we go somewhere a bit more private?" Aunt Kate suggested leading dad, who was half carrying me, to the doctor's lounge.

Dad pulled me down on the couch between him and mom. The rest of my family stood close by giving support just by being there.

Aunt Kate crouched down in front of me her eyes meeting my teary ones. "Why don't you tell me what happened? Sometimes talking does help." She asked taking my shaking hand in hers.

"Damon." I tried but sobbing harder as I attempted to say his name. I felt sick to my stomach as I gagged on my sobs.

Aunt Kate was quick to recognize what was happening and put a trashcan in front of me which I threw up into. "You don't have to talk yet." She said rubbing my back.

I sat crying, holding on to my parents for dear life for what seemed like hours. I sobbed and sobbed as my dad carried me to the car. I cried the whole way home and as my dad carried me up the stairs and laid me in my room.

"I want to be alone." I told my parents finally going emotionally numb and stopping my tears.

"Sweetie, are you sure?" My mom asked rubbing my back

"I'll be ok, I just need to think." I told them trying to sound assuring.

They hesitantly left me closing the door on their way out. I Instantly got up and searched for a blade. "This is for you, this is all for you." I said slicing into my wrist. At that moment, just for a moment, I felt as if Damon was still alive. The blade became Damon.


End file.
